Business 1.0 July/August 2019

August 5th, 2021 by Nathan Hobbs

Count Me In … Too!

It’s come to my attention that my beloved United States of America has fallen off of the tracks. Okay … stay with me here. A country doesn’t run on actual tracks so it can’t fall off of them. Statements like that are called hyperbole, I think an inaccurate exaggeration of something that can’t be true from a literal standpoint. Now, assuming you’re still with me, let’s get back to the point. So where was I? Oh yes, the USA has fallen off track.

How, you may ask, do I know it has fallen off of the tracks? Well, because about four months ago, I got a TV in my home office and connected it to the cable system and have become addicted. I spend a lot of time in my home office and although I never was a TV watcher before, I’m now watching everything from “Leave It to Beaver” in the morning to “Police Women of Dallas” in the evening. I’ve also been introduced to what is apparently known as ‘reality TV’ and am now frightened for myself and for our country.

For instance, did you know people are regularly being murdered in Colorado Springs? It’s true. There’s a program about a detective named Joe Kenda who works full-time with other detectives to track down all of these murderers. I always thought Colorado Springs was this really beautiful, peaceful place to live. I almost moved there once but now I’m glad I didn’t. And have you seen those caravans of people coming to our southern border?

All day long, I watch TV and it’s nothing but bad news, chaos and confusion. And now, on top of all of this, comes the Presidential campaign stuff. The candidates are almost as scary as what’s been happening in Colorado Springs. So reluctantly, because I really do care about the good old US of A, I’ve decided to get involved and start my very own Exploratory Program to see if I should run for President. I got the idea for this from some lady politician from Massachusetts after she did this exploratory thing, she decided to run for President and has apparently raised a lot of money in the process. In fact, she has raised so much money she says she will not take any more money from rich people. This kinda doesn’t make sense to me: if rich people want to give you money, wouldn’t that be better than taking money from poor people who need their money more?

As you probably know, several of the scary people who want to be President have done this exploratory thing (raising a lot of money, forming committees and going out to ask people if they would be willing to support them with even more money if they make a run for office). I’ve decided to do this too. Just to clarify what kind of a candidate I will be, I am herein publicly declaring myself as a Conservatively Progressive Moderate with Liberal views of what I will allow to be watched on my new home office TV.

And what, you may wonder, does this have to do with you? I WANT YOU for my Exploratory Committee. All you have to do is this: send me money (cash only, of course) and you will be added. Then you can ask all of your friends and co-workers if they would vote for me and if they say yes, add them to the committee, take their money, mail 75% of it to me and keep the rest for yourself. It’s my initial “Share & Redistribute ‘The Wealth’” program, one of the planks of my “RUTS” program. What does “RUTS” stand for, you ask? … gee you ask a lot of questions. It stands for “Return USA To Sanity” because I really think we’ve lost what little sanity we had left and I believe I can fix it. After the exploratory, if I do decide to run, you can send me more money and if you send enough and I actually do get elected, I will promise you an ambassadorship to a country of your choosing with the exception of Ireland, which would be auctioned off to the highest bidder. Come on people, we can do this! Send me $100 and I’ll send you an official “RUTS” hat and a box of my granddaughter Jillian’s Girl Scout Cookies. $200 will get you an autographed hat. Last but not
least, the first person that sends me $1,000 can have my home office TV. I really don’t think it’s good for my mental health.

Lyle R. Hill is the managing director of Keytech North America and a former owner of a window film company in the Midwest. He also serves as president of Glass.com, an information portal and job generation company for the auto glass industry, and provides film-related advice. Hill has more than 40 years of experience in glass-related industries and can be reached at lhill@glass.com

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