Business 1.0 May/June 2023

June 12th, 2023 by Nathan Hobbs

Count Me In … Too!

By Lyle R. Hill

It’s come to my attention that my beloved United States of America has come unglued and fallen off the tracks. Okay … stay with me. A country can’t really come physically unglued, and it doesn’t run on actual tracks, so it can’t fall off of them. Statements like that are called hyperbole, I think—a kind of inaccurate exaggeration of something that can’t be true or real from a literal standpoint. Assuming you’re still with me and aren’t any more confused than usual with the things I write, let’s get back to the point. So where was I? Oh yes, the USA has fallen off track, and I’m greatly troubled by this.

Plugged In

How, you may ask, do I know it has fallen off the tracks? About four months ago, I got a TV in my home office and connected it to the cable system therein. I have since become addicted to it. I spend a lot of time in my home office. Although I never was a TV watcher before, I’m now watching everything from Leave It to Beaver in the morning to Police Women of Dallas in the evening, and I can’t fall asleep at night without Perry Mason reruns.

I’ve also been introduced to what is known as reality TV and am now frightened for myself and our country. For instance, did you know people are regularly murdered in Colorado Springs? It’s true. There is a program about a detective named Joe Kenda who works full-time with other detectives to track down all these murderers in Colorado Springs. I always thought Colorado Springs was a beautiful, peaceful place to live. I almost moved there once, but now I’m glad I didn’t.

My Candidacy

And have you seen those caravans of people coming to our Southern border? All day long, I watch TV, and it’s nothing but bad news, chaos and confusion. And now, on top of all of this, comes the Presidential campaign stuff. The candidates are almost as scary as what’s been happening in Colorado Springs. So reluctantly, because I do care about the good old U.S. of A, I have decided to get involved and start my very own Exploratory Program to see if I should run for president. As you probably know, several of the scary people who want to be president have done this exploratory thing (raising a lot of money, forming committees and going out to ask people if they would be willing to support them with even more money if they make a run for office). I have decided to do this too. To clarify what kind of a candidate I will be, I am herein publicly declaring myself as a Conservatively Progressive Moderate with Liberal views of what I will allow to be watched on my new home office TV.

“RUTS”

And what, you may wonder, does this have to do with you? I WANT YOU for my Exploratory Committee. All you have to do is this: send me money (cash only, of course) and you will be added. Then you can ask all of your friends and co-workers if they would vote for me and if they say yes, add them to the committee, take their money, mail 75% of it to me and keep the rest for yourself. It’s my initial “Share and Redistribute ‘the Wealth’” program, one of the planks of my “RUTS” program.

What does “RUTS” stand for, you ask? It stands for “Return USA To Sanity” because I think we’ve lost what little sanity we had left after the past couple of election cycles, and I believe I can fix it.

If I do decide to run after the exploratory effort, you can send me even more money, and if you send enough and I do get elected, I will herein promise you an Ambassadorship to a country of your choosing with the exception of Ireland, which would be auctioned off to the highest bidder. Come on people, we can do this! Send me $100 and I’ll send you an official “RUTS” hat and a box of my granddaughter Jillian’s Girl Scout Cookies. $200 will get you an autographed hat.

Last but not least, the first person who sends me $1,000 can have my home office TV. I really don’t think it’s good for my mental health.

Humor columnist Lyle R. Hill is the former owner of a window film company in the Midwest. He also serves as president of Glass.com®, an information portal and job generation company. Hill has more than 50 years of experience in film and glass-related industries and can be reached at lhill@glass.com.

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